A MADE UP NIGERIA!

I recently heard that there’s nothing as powerful as a made up mind; I think this is where Nigeria is. Our election is underway and with the drama of card readers which apparently is not a respecter of persons (ask President Jona), propaganda from every corner, worrisome silence from the South East and South West regions (no ‘rumour’ of results from polling units over 24 hours after elections were conducted), result overload from Twitter and Facebook (even my sister in Canada sent me election results), an MOU between INEC and NURTW (amazing right?), ati bee bee lo….one thing is constant –Nigerians have been PEACEFUL and UNITED!

It hasn’t always been like this, maybe never. It was slavery for God knows how long and even after Independence, we remained slaves to greed, ignorance, tribalism, ethnic and religious sentiments, corruption, injustice, wickedness. It doesn’t take much to make another a slave; you don’t need guns or money, just make their mind believe something other than the truth and that is what our ‘masters’ did to us. My God, we have believed a lot of things! Watching the INEC chair (and I beg to digress) address journalists a few hours ago on the elections, a Nigerian journalist with all the pressing issues, asked “Sir, what do you think the global impression of Nigeria will be as a result of this elections?” I could not believe it! Global impression?  It’s like when you have been told the solution to an ancestral curse and you are still concerned about ‘what people will say’; even Jega hardly acknowledged his global impression question. Sadly, that is what my brother still believes. Back to our gist; THAT slavery has ended because somehow, someone found the truth that we are not meant to be slaves and it is spreading like wild fire! There’s an awakening in the land and people are taking their position, getting battle ready! In my polling unit for instance, a Hausa community in Lagos; it started to rain during voting and INEC officials were forced to stop the process at some point because the ballot papers were getting wet and there was a high risk of tear and ink smearing. The community had provided a mat as a makeshift canopy against the harsh rays of the sun but water was dripping all over when it started to rain. The electorate would have none of that, they wanted to vote! Less than 20 feet from the polling unit stood a brand new market,locked up, awaiting commissioning. In the blink of an eye, the lock was broken and INEC officials and materials were safely moved to the brand new polling unit where voting and the rain continued till late evening. There were legitimate reasons to mar the process that day but Nigeria fought and Nigeria won!

No one knows what INEC will announce on Monday night but regardless of the outcome, CHANGE (not the party) is here! It is not business as usual, Nigeria is deciding her destiny this time. Not with violence but with her strength of mind, moral resolve, character. A new army is rising, one that will fight for justice and speak the truth. Whoever the winners are, genuine or imposed, we will demand accountability, we will push you for results and by all means vote you out if you do not deliver on your mandate. The dead days are OVER; this country is alive with blood flowing in her veins, yes! Blood that is deeply red and of course green! And as for global impression, the world will take note soon enough! God bless Nigeria!

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WATCHMEN

Phone rings

Hello

Hello Ma, this is the reception. I’m calling to inform you that we want to move you to the main building. Also, we won’t turn on the generator until 6pm and we will turn it off at 10pm.

Pardon?

I think it’s better I come to your room

That would be great, thank you.

Click

I am on leave; my first in four years and I decided to spend my two weeks by myself – just me, myself and I! I’m not weird, neither am I lonely, I had just missed spending time with ME and the one who made ME. Truth is I’m not really great at being vulnerable and one of the times I’m most vulnerable is when I don’t know what to do. I was at a point when I had no clue what to do about my whole life.

My fantasy and next stop, can’t wait!

Now relax, I wasn’t suicidal, I was just helpless as to the next step to take. I was very distracted, going through the motions with a lot on my plate (most of which I had no idea how they landed there); my head was so full; any attempt to think brought bad headaches. There was only one thing left to do – RETREAT!
I wanted to visit another country but I couldn’t afford a proper vacation – my finances was in a pretty bad shape. What I could afford however was a resort in South West Nigeria (my accommodation – the hotel annex, and two meals per day – yes, it was that bad) so I packed my bag and off I went!

I must swim with dolphins o, YOLO!

I have been here four nights and I’m sad because I see how beauty has deteriorated. The pictures I saw online is a fantasy of my reality here. The gym is not functioning, one look at the pool and I said to myself “jump in and come out with instant craw craw (that’s rash/hives I think), that is ehn a total reverse of Namaan’s story kwa! “, the Wi-Fi nko? You see I had planned to shut myself from the world; you know, just me and my God. I even sent out messages letting people know I’d only be available by e-mail; suffice it to say I had to turn on my phone at intervals to access e-mails. The heater wasn’t working, I was handed an electric kettle on arrival which I totally love by the way *big grin*; the water was coloured (I wished I brought some alum by some stroke of fore knowledge), and eighty per cent of the menu did not exist. The only thing functioning properly is the golf course and I’m not a golfer. I really didn’t mind the state of the resort, the reason I came was for solitude and that was top notch!

When my sister called to find out how I was doing, how the place was; I looked around and told her “I wish I came here a decade ago, this is another Nigerian story – poor maintenance.” This place would have been a beauty ten years ago. It’s like seeing a beautiful woman who circumstances has aged prematurely, you see glimpses of what she was and what she could have been and it just hurts. I’m pained at what Nigeria has become and as much as it is convenient to blame the older generation for our woes, we are all responsible because Nigeria is not a noun (a name, a place, an inanimate object, dead); it is a verb (you and I, living Spirits, ability, potential). It’s like letting someone pick a spouse for you and when things go horribly wrong, you can blame the person all your life but the person you are most upset with is yourself – for doing nothing, for letting someone else take control of your life. Nigeria is ours and is us. Let’s not be mediocre about it, lose the ‘it’s none of my business’ attitude.

You, Me, Nigeria

Stop throwing thrash on the roads, drainage, that’s what causes the floods! Yesterday was World Malaria Day and Nigeria is one of only two countries to still have malaria. Stagnant water breeds mosquitoes which in turn causes malaria and kills people! Yes, that is the ripple effect of throwing your pure water sachet in the gutter. If you can’t understand how the youths have their priorities scattered all over the place, mentor them, mentor one! Give a day a week, even if on social media like Leke Alder (you should follow him on twitter by the way @Leke_Alder he tweets specially to the youths on Saturdays). Don’t think it is enough that your children are well mannered and school abroad; life is a leveller and your little girl might just bring home the ‘riff raff’ as her fiancé. Yes, the government is the major culprit in the country’s poverty level but if you can, get a child off the street, sponsor their education. Let’s cultivate the habit of correcting and fixing things immediately there’s a problem, let’s not wait until the problem is beyond repair. Because then we are helpless, vulnerable and vulnerable people often times can’t make a sound decision.

Our girls in Borno are still missing almost two weeks now; we are headed towards helpless and vulnerable. Watch my back and let me watch yours. Let us be able to say to each other “I got you” with our lives tied to every alphabet! That is a glimpse of the Nigeria we can be. Lord, have mercy on us; preserve the kidnapped school girls and please return them safely to their families. Sigh, no internet here – this will be uploaded whenever I return to civilization. God bless Nigeria.

When we look out for our neighbour, we look out for ourself.

Don’t throw the stone!

You can tell from his look that a fight is brewing…

Standing with my eyes on the screen of my camcorder, all I see is hate, cynicism, complex (inferior and superior), confusion, minds that are made up, two opposite paradigms! I’m participating in a human rights workshop in Geneva organized by Gmedia Center and the Swiss FDFA. The overall objective of the workshop is to empower media to
further civil society goals on human rights and democracy. On day 2 of the workshop (yesterday), an organization promoting LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual) rights came to speak to us journalists. Participating journalists are from Chad,Nigeria and Senegal; though we have a language barrier (French vs English), our emotions were united.

The delegation from this LGBT rights organization included a white man and three Nigerian men. Perhaps my Nigerian colleagues were more angered by the fact that three of our people were championing this cause, they just could not understand any other sane reason they would do this except that they were gay and had received a lot of money! Arguments ranged from “Why should I bother with LGBT rights when there is poverty, corruption, unemployment, insecurity that is ravaging our people and economy?” to “whether you like it or not, we contribute to the economy as well. Our organization provides employment to lots of people who are not even gay!”.

Aha! I told you! Not sure who is winning the fight though.

Back and forth we went until one of the delegates from the LGBT rights organization mentioned he had two children to which my colleague cut him mid-sentence and asked ” how did you have your children? are they yours?, who helped you give birth to them?”. Awkward silence for two seconds after which the delegate responded “They are my children and it’s my private life”, the meeting ended few minutes after this.

I understand the feelings of my colleagues, for us LGBT is cultural. It is against our values, faith, it is unnatural to us. Homosexuality is not a new phenomenon from the western world, it existed way back in the old testament, even before Christ came. However, we have been sheltered from this reality and are just not ready to face it, no not yet. I understand the feelings of my father when my brother came to inform him that my sister had had a child at twenty, she was in the university. He disowned her immediately, how could she bring him so much disgrace! I understand the feelings of people who avoid you once you are HIV positive, it has no cure remember?. In all these and countless others, only three things matter – us, our feelings and the choices made.

When almost everyone left the room another LGBT delegate came and asked to speak to my colleague who had asked the question. He said her questions were inappropriate, he could see her disgust in her face but nevertheless she shouldn’t have spoken in that manner. Out of curiosity I said “excuse me, can I ask you a question? Are you gay?”. He lost his composure for a second and replied “I’m sorry, I can’t answer that question, it’s personal”. I concluded he was gay and as he spoke to me, trying to get me to understand the need for their rights, I fought the disgust I was feeling and failed miserably.

Then it hit me! I was no different from the religious scholars and the pharisees who brought the adulterous woman before Jesus to be stoned. I had judged and condemned my neighbour even while he spoke to me. I didn’t even want him to touch me, like my dad, I disowned him. Here I was playing God! We set standards and anyone who falls short is categorized. Even the UN and the global human rights council has categorized LGBT! They fight for human rights and then fight for LGBT rights. In the eyes of the world, they are not men, women or children; they are not humans at all, they are Lesbians, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual with separate rights from us humans.

See people not labels and choices.

We might never be able to understand the feelings of LGBT persons, but we must understand that they are humans! We all have a right to life, love, freedom and of course choice! We might be unhappy with their choices but it was never ours in the first instance – it’s THEIRS! Like Jesus said “The sinless one among you, go first: throw the stone!” and I paraphrase “The one who has never made a choice that displeased another person, go first: decide who is human and who is not!”.

In the end, I saw my neighbour for the first time and shook his hand. I wonder if he saw me too.

Life is a count down!

It’ s been few days less seven months since my last post. Wow, I have almost forgotten how to manage my blog; even writing seems a little unfamiliar. Indeed, I have missed you guys, missed writing, missed blogging, missed this part of me so so much! So what happened? Well, laptop crashed and the word press mobile app just did not work for me. So much has happened in almost seven months but I’ll start from now and then go back in time.

It was a sad day in Nigeria yesterday, a plane carrying twenty people and a corpse crashed barely two minutes after taking off killing thirteen people. The corpse was intact and was buried today – it was the body of a former state governor. There was a lot of talk about how mystical it was that people died yet the corpse and coffin remained intact. For most people, it was a story of double tragedy – an accident en-route a funeral! For me, it was personal, I knew the wife of someone on the plane, I even spent the weekend with her and was at her office a day before!

I haven’t been myself since, I keep thinking about her – what she is going through, the questions she’s asking herself, her explanation to their children! Her life-o-meter on Saturday read ‘five days to becoming a widow’, her children’s read ‘five days to becoming fatherless’, her husband’s read ‘five days left on earth’ yet no one had a clue! My sister-in-law’s sister died three weeks ago, she left a husband and five children behind (the oldest is eight); she too had no clue, same way no one has a clue what your life-o-meter reads. Am I scared of dying? No. What I am afraid of is dying having done nothing.

“Life is a count down! It is not about how long you have lived but how much time you have left” – Olufemi Paul.

The only thing you leave behind when you die are your works, either good or bad; not your status or possessions. The only thing that God will inquire of you when you leave earth is your work, whether you did good or bad; nothing else. That said, all your good works without Christ is ZERO! Religion can’t save you either! Remember Cornelius, read Acts 10. Please get saved! Accept Jesus Christ in your life, then trust the Holy spirit to teach you to live right.

When people die, we say ‘Rest in peace’; that means we are on earth for some purpose, to work! Find your purpose and fulfil it, live it unapologetic! I have decided to live everyday like it is my last day, I want to do the things that really matter, be the best sister, daughter, staff, aunt, friend, stranger I can be every single day! I want my life to be an honour to God, I want to go to heaven fulfilled, with my head held high! Jesus lived thirty-three years and He is the ONLY access to eternal life because he fulfilled purpose; Methuselah lived nine hundred and sixty-nine years, except for Sunday school and bible trivia, you probably never heard of him.

Guys, it is not how long but how well. Make the rest of your life count. Let your life inspire someone after you are long gone. Finish your work here so well that all that is left really, will be to rest in peace.

 

 

 

Super Me, Super You!

A while ago, I had a family emergency and I was the only one available to attend to it. So that cool Sunday morning, I took a bike (abeg, do we board okada? just asking) to the hospital but made a quick stop at the bank to withdraw some money. Now as you know, bikes are not allowed to park in front of banks so the bike rider dropped me off and proceeded to park at the end of the bank. I spend less than 5 minutes at the ATM and when I get outside there’s a scene! There’s a police van with about 4 armed policemen and they are trying to put the bike at the back of the van.

My bike man is pleading for mercy and I join in, telling them it’s my fault. I have an emergency; I had to stop at the ATM, blah, blah…but all that fell on deaf ears. A small crowd had gathered and we all pleaded with the policemen but they refused. At this point, the bike man (a Hausa) began to resist them. He dragged his bike with them refusing to let them put it in the back of the van.  Now this is a very bad combination – a Hausa man and policemen that have been resisted. Hausas are very easy going and trust worthy but they are also very stubborn and will fight with all it takes when they feel they are being treated unjustly. I once heard the story of a Hausa bike man whose bike was going to be carried away by policemen for some reason, this guy cursed them and set the bike ablaze saying he would rather have no bike than have the police take his bike again, apparently it had happened before. On the other hand, Nigerian policemen require the slightest resistance to employ the most force.

An idea of what happened

Anyway, at this point I can hear alarm bells in my head saying that things were going to get ugly really soon and they did. The policemen wrestled the bike man and destroyed his bike.  They removed the seat, deflated the tires and a key part of the engine leaving petrol and engine oil spilled on the floor, what was left was metal and wires. I was going to cry, I was so angry. I screamed at them saying the man had every right to fight because his means of livelihood was being taken from him, what kind of man would not fight back? I told them they could do this because they outnumbered him and had weapons. I asked them whether they could face him one on one or try this at a bike park. I was so angry, I called them cowards (well not literally) not that they were smart enough to deduce it anyway. They responded that thieves used bike men to rob banks so they were doing their job. I asked them whether I was a thief. I kept hearing “wisdom is profitable to direct” so I calmed myself down and let them go, at least they didn’t insist on taking the bike man and I to the police station.

Me, coming to the rescue! Pow!!!

I was angry at the policemen for being bullies, at the small crowd for being scared – they reprimanded the bike man for fighting for his bike, at myself for being helpless! I wished I were the daughter of the president or I had some special powers to punish them on the spot until they apologized to the bike man. As helpless as I felt, I could still do something. I asked him what was most important to buy back and how much it cost, I didn’t have all the money so I gave him about half of it. Something happened in that instant – the bike man didn’t expect that gesture neither did the small crowd. Suddenly, everyone was willing to help. We were stripped of tribe, status, and all that normally divides us; we were just brothers and sisters trying to help another brother in distress.

I thought to myself, what makes a super hero? Is it their fancy outfit and “super powers”? No, villains possess same. It’s the courage to do what is right and compassion for others. It’s the ability to put others first once in a while. It’s the ability to instill hope and keep hope alive. It’s being humane and seeing a life not colour, race, tribe, status when you look at a person. We are capable of these things; there is a hero in every one of us.

P.s Happy birthday Greg, thanks for being one of my heroes.

THE EXCHANGE!

It’s been three months since my last post, wow! How time flies! I apologise for the break in blogging, I have been busy with school and some other personal stuff – don’t ask, but I’ll gist you about school. I am an architect by training but my passion is telling stories through picture, film, magazine show, documentary, writing and speaking. Bottom line is I love the media and want to be a professional. One thing you learn as an architect is planning – detailed planning so naturally, I had a plan to achieve my dream of becoming a one-of-a-kind-sought-after media professional. My first stop was the FRCN

The prestigious FRCN Training School logo

Training School but first, let’s play a game! What is FRCN? Please tell me you got it right! Why? You would be amazed at the number of people that do not know (including you, maybe *eyes rolling*). When I announced to family and friends my plan to enrol at the FRCN training school, I got shocking responses – “You want to work with the RAILWAY CORPORATION?” , “You want to be a ROAD SAFETY OFFICIAL?”  Huh? I have never been on a train before and road safety official (na dis one pain me pass and I had vowed to impound their vehicles if I ever became an official)? That’s one of the hardest and harshest jobs ever because you are right in the elements, I really commend the workers. Anyway, I put all this unawareness behind me and enrolled at the training school!

The structure of the school was decaying and the Director kept begging the issue during our orientation like it was not ‘obviously’ obvious while assuring us of the quality of learning we would receive.

During orientation, no classroom could accomodate all the students.

I doubt anyone really minded because we had studied in worse conditions, atleast I have. The duration of the program was 8 weeks though lectures was for 5 weeks. In 5 weeks, I saw people transform from – “I am hilarious to be elected as …”, “My extinct director, fellow students …”, “This shoe is nice and everlasting”  to speaking proper English language phonetically and grammatically. I saw amazing Nigerian teachers who held a class of over 180 Nigerian students for 4 hours without anyone leaving the class from boredom. I saw a Nigerian class that was not ‘copy and paste’, where everyone participated and contributed freely. I saw a Nigerian class where the eargerness to learn was quite unbelievable yet true. I saw a Nigerian school where lateness, littering and cheating was not condoned. I saw a Nigerian class where friendships that were made would last a lifetime. I saw that not all young people were yahoo boys or prostitutes. I saw that not everyone depended on JAMB to get an education and degree holders, even authors wanted more knowledge. I saw that Nigerians were willing to take leave from work, travel far from home to add value to themselves. At the training school, I saw hope for Nigeria, I saw a candlelight.

At 52, we are still living and where there is life, there is hope. God was willing to spare Sodom if He found 10 righteous men in their entire population. They had lost all their virtue and their sin was begging for punishment but God still asked what they had left – 10 righteous men. When God met Moses at the burning bush, Moses was an 80 year old fugitive but God asked Him what he had in his hand – a rod, God worked with that rod, changing Moses’ life and delivering Isreal. The widow who came to Elisha for help thought she had lost everything and was about to lose her sons but Elisha asked what she had left – a jar of oil. That was enough for God to work with, that jar of oil paid her debts and sustained her and her sons. Point is the world judges us by what we have lost, what we do not have and God is also aware of these things but He is asking “what do you have left?”. As long as there is still breath in you, you still have something and what you have is more than enough for God to work with if you will lay it at His feet. As a country, our faults, losses, sin, are rising up to heaven for judgement but God is asking “what do you have left Nigeria, is there nothing you can present to me?” I think not because I see hope and I am laying it at God’s feet. That is 1 righteous man, where are the remaining 9?

Hope – one of our righteous men. See how powerful he is? Imagine the impact when the remaining 9 show up!

Enough of the complaining, cursing, bickering and regrets! It is time to find our righteous men and present them to God. There is still good in this land, there is something to be grateful for. Something good that we are known for, something good that no one can take from us. We must find our righteous men for we still have breath in us. We must find them and lay them at God’s feet! We must take responsibility for the inevitable day of confrontation comes along with the consequence of our actions.

May our action lead to an exchange.

What will that consequence be – an exchange or destruction? God bless Nigeria.

p.s FRCN is Federal Radio Corporation of Nigeria.

 

 

My Birthday Wish list!

Count down – 9 days! Hurray!!!

My birthday is in 9 days, yep on the 14^th! It’s a public holiday in heaven you know (What do you expect? I’m Jesus’ Siamese – my twin is seated at the right hand of God).

Anyways, I haven’t been my brightest since Democracy day and the recent events in the country haven’t helped either. At this rate, one might just slip into depression. So I judge God faithful in all that have happened and find courage to keep moving!

June is a month of Joy! A month to rejoice, reconnect with God and rekindle your faith. It is a month to love God and be loved in return. Personally, June is my new year – a fresh start, transformation, new energy, renewed hope! It is the month where I am a child again and can believe anything. It is the month where I try to have on something new from the crown of my head to the sole of my feet at least on my birthday. It is the month that I make a wish list year after year even if nothing on the list gets ticked off.

This year WILL be no exception! My list is usually in my head but I choose to make this year’s public, not because I am vain or insensitive – NO. This is me clinging to hope, renewing my faith that there is a great awakening in the land; being assured that God will restore unto us a greater glory, rejoicing for I know He raises a new army of people after His heart whose DNA’s are encoded in excellence!

Our light will shine – brightly!

Yes we mourn but God promises restoration! We are sick but He promises health and healing! We are poor but God says He will reveal an abundance of prosperity and security! We are buried in sin but God says He will cleanse us from all the guilt of our sin and forgive all our rebellion against Him! God says NIGERIA shall be to Him a name of Joy, a praise and a glory before all the nations of the earth who shall hear of the good He will do for us.

Difficult as it seems, let us give thanks to the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for His steadfast love endures forever! Refuse to be strangled by the choking fingers of death and misfortune all around, for our darkness gives way to exceeding light! Do not succumb to the defeat of hopelessness, spiritual death, and curses from our mouths – NO! Our victory is in our praise, the word of God on our lips, a positive attitude!

Are you ready?

My list is me being positive and even if nothing get ticked off as they are usually expensive; my new year WILL begin on the 14^th by His grace and I fulfill His purpose for my life step by step and day by day! So here goes:

A new laptop (a mac book or any other brand with a unique design)

A new phone (blackberry at least curve 4 or an iphone)

Modem for browsing

A professional camera (Canon – don’t know any model but heard the cheapest is about N250k)

A new car or school fees

Money (at least 6 digits)

Hey do not be discouraged by this list o, this is meant to be an inspirational piece abeg! So perfumes, bags, shoes, make up, accessories, clothes, wrist watches, gift coupons, spa bookings, novels (Ted Dekker preferably), recharge cards (mtn or glo, at least N500 – it’s my birthday  na), anything from your heart especially your prayers are most welcome!

May the peace of God be with us all!

LEAVE ME BE JONNY!

When I was younger say about 12, I was fascinated about how males (young and old) were so adept at covering their…let’s call them Jonnies from the prying eyes of the public whenever they had to pee in public which was not often. I always wondered if they went through a secret class that trained them in this skill because even little boys of about 5 were equally skilled. I would try and try to see Jonny but failed miserably. Now, this quest went on for a while till I became a teenager; I eventually gave up when I recorded no success. I was able to carry on this mission for quite a while because it wasn’t something that happened often, I rarely saw peeing males except during long distance journeys when passengers had to obey the call of nature at some point. For me, seeing peeing males in the city was a treat, you know like when a relative from ‘abroad’ visits with food and snacks from Mr. Bigg’s.

A jail term should be included! This is a criminal offense on the environment and my eyes!

Today, I am being bombarded by Jonnies everywhere I turn! It’s appalling and sickening! Dark skinned, light skinned, wrinkled, gosh! I’m not even looking and voila! Jonny appears! Seriously, my quest has been over a decade ago! I have come to two conclusions, it’s either the secret class ended or the society has degenerated so much that our males can no longer discern that Jonny is an integral part of who they are that is to be protected and adequately cared for. I became seriously concerned about this issue one beautiful afternoon; I was in the kitchen with my two year old nephew when he said ‘I want to pee’, I immediately leave all I’m doing to attend to him. As I release his zipper and lead him to the toilet, my darling nephew suddenly dashes out the back door, runs out and in a second my innocent nephew is peeing! My nephew doesn’t live in Nigeria and was around on vacation, so imagine how scared I was at the rate of the spread of this ‘mad culture’. It might seem funny, you probably think I am over reacting but this is a very serious issue that needs immediate attention.

Males today have become so undisciplined that the mere sight of a gutter suddenly lights a bulb in their heads and brings forward the thought ‘Ah! I haven’t peed today!’ For me, a guy who pees on the road is a huge turn off, no matter what car you drive, your degree, pedigree – pedigree ke? If you abuse Jonny, you have no pedigree. Guys, seriously, just imagine how you would feel if you were ‘eyeing’ one babe and just as you were about to approach her she suddenly squats, pulls her panties to one side and obey nature’s call; then walks up to you and says hi (with phoné of course). Wouldn’t you be immediately repulsed? In my opinion, any big man wey dey piss for road na money miss road.

Ladies, run from any guy who just pees on the road at the slightest opportunity; it’s a sign he has no self control. Seriously? Yes! Let’s not even go into the details of the hygiene of it all. These days I’m wary of shaking the hands of guys that I meet because I don’t trust where those hands have been.

Finally, I write to plead with men for the sake of my nephew, the next generation and our unborn children, to commence that secret class once again and restore the dignity of Jonny. Let young girls marvel at how well you protect Jonny and learn a lesson or two from you that will make her determined to protect her…let’s call her Jayne! I also write to beg you to spare my eyes as they will neither behold iniquity nor strange Jonnies. Again I say, leave me be Jonny!

With righteous anger and concern for our future.